Life

Transition

Being back in Hanoi this time was both wonderful and very painful. I felt so close to realizing my goals, and yet the uncertainty remains.

Noi Bai Airport, November 24th, 2007:

I feel very little right now but profound sadness. I can barely piece it all together. The truth is, I don’t know who I am. Am I this person or that person? I can’t be both. I can’t live this duality. I feel at least that I could grow here, be here. But there? I am soulless. I think this feeling of emptiness and fragmentation comes from knowing I have to start over. Learn how to be human again. I am not what I left 7 years ago, but I am also not what I have been existing as for the last 7 years, shut-off with the sole intent of getting back back back. I am monstrous. I am nothing, no one, an empty shell. A part of me wants to run, not board this plane; to take my job, my car, my master’s degree-in-progress and crunch it all up in a little ball and throw it away. The rational part overrides and says, “you’re so close.” But, in the end, will all of those things, things planned and nurtured to get me to a certain place, matter? Let’s say I survive the next 6 months, 6 months tacked onto more than 7 years; will I emerge whole? Will I emerge as someone who will be able to appreciate it all? Truly be happy in a place I’ve longed for for so long? Or will this persistent half-life eat away at me completely and leave me unable to feel, unable to smile no matter where I go? I am on the verge a major cross-roads in my life; the question is: will I survive it?